Originally shared during a marriage devotional, this message reflects what God has taught us through both the beauty and brokenness of our journey together.
This past November, my wife and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. We’ve been blessed with three incredible children: Derion, Dena Onekea, and our youngest, Brandon Onekea. Looking back over the years, I sometimes ask myself, “How in the world did we make it this far?” The answer is simple: God.
We were baptized in 1992 while living in Hawaii. I wish I could say the years that followed were full of ease and bliss, but truthfully, it was more like a storm—sweet moments mixed with seasons of real struggle. We were young and still trying to find our footing in life. My wife, Burgandie, started working in nonprofit organizations and quickly moved into an executive role. As for me, I pursued music—DJing, running a label, performing, and traveling. It was a dream, but it came at a cost.
I didn’t fully appreciate the incredible woman God had given me. I was absent in ways that mattered most. In time, we both made painful mistakes. We were unfaithful to each other. It was one of the most broken places we had ever been.
But God.
That season brought us to a crossroads. We could walk away, start over with someone new, and pretend a new beginning would fix everything. But deep down we knew that wouldn’t work. Eventually, that new person would see the real us—our flaws, our wounds, our sin—and we’d end up in the same place again. Just with someone else.
That wasn’t acceptable to me. We had spent over half our lives building something together. It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. And so, we turned back to God.
Without a foundation rooted in Christ and His Kingdom, we would not be standing here today. And one of the biggest lessons we’ve learned in that process is this: communication and connection are essential. They are spiritual tools, and when used God’s way, they don’t just preserve a marriage—they transform it.
Communicating God’s Way
What is communication?
To communicate means to convey something—an idea, a feeling, or truth—in a way that the other person understands. It’s not just talking. It’s being heard. And it’s listening with the intent to understand.
Here’s a five-step guide that has helped us communicate in ways that honor God and bring healing, even in the hard moments:
1. Respond, Don’t React
(James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”)
When we react, it’s usually from emotion—anger, frustration, insecurity. But a response is something deeper. It’s thoughtful. It’s what Jesus modeled for us. Whether He was flipping tables in the temple or praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, His actions were never reckless. They were prayerful, intentional, and rooted in righteousness.
Reacting happens instantly. Responding takes a pause. A breath. A prayer.
Reactions often bring damage. Responses can bring clarity and peace. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to honor God?” If the answer is no, you’re likely about to react, not respond.
2. Physical Touch Deters Anger
(Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”)
A simple gesture—holding hands, a hand on the shoulder, an arm around the waist—can lower the tension in the room. Physical connection often paves the way for emotional connection. Try it the next time you’re navigating conflict. You might be surprised how much it softens the heart.
3. Timing Is Everything
(Ecclesiastes 8:6 – “For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a person may be weighed down by misery.”)
The when matters just as much as the what. Avoid heavy conversations right after walking in the door or on the way to church. For us, spiritual “D-times” (devotionals with each other) are when we tackle the deeper issues—usually after church when our hearts are soft and focused on God.
Also, don’t forget to start those conversations with prayer. Invite God in from the beginning.
4. Understanding Unites
(Proverbs 4:7 – “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”)
Real communication means listening—not just to respond, but to truly understand. I’m a slow processor, so I often take notes. That helps me make sure I’m really hearing what my wife is trying to say. And when I repeat it back, it lets her know she’s been heard.
Unity starts with understanding. You may not always agree, but when your spouse knows you care enough to hear them fully, that alone creates connection.
5. The Power of Prayer
(Ephesians 4:26 – “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”)
We’ve committed to praying together every night before bed. We’re not perfect—some nights we miss it—but the intention is there. Prayer humbles us. It softens what pride hardens. When you pray together, you’re inviting God into the most vulnerable spaces of your marriage.
Growth Requires Discomfort
You’ve heard the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” It applies here too. I used to believe that if I just opened up to my wife, she’d respond exactly how I hoped she would. But that’s not how real growth works. Communication is about both of us learning what the other needs, and being willing to adjust—even when it’s uncomfortable.
I read a quote once that said,
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, and she does.
Marriage requires grace, not just for who your spouse is, but for who they are becoming.
Husbands: Lead Spiritually
(Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”)
We’re called to lead—not with dominance, but with spiritual maturity. If I’m not leading my wife spiritually, I’m leaving space for the world to do it. We need to be in the Word, praying over our marriages, and loving our wives sacrificially.
There will always be someone who might admire your wife more than you do. Don’t let them outdo you. Pursue her. Date her. Cherish her.
Recently, I took my wife out with the mindset of dating her again. We had dinner, walked the mall, got coffee, held hands. We capped the night off with a couples massage. It was incredible.
That’s the kind of intentionality our marriages need.
Do you value your spouse like that? Do they know it?
Connecting God’s Way
(Mark 10:6-9 – “…and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”)
God designed marriage to be a union—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Connection is more than intimacy. It’s being fully known and fully loved.
(Proverbs 5:18 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”)
Your spouse is your fountain. Rejoice in them. Stay amazed. Stay curious. Keep learning them.
A Simple Exercise
Spend one evening with your spouse doing this:
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Write down everything you’re grateful for in each other, then share it.
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Ask: Where do you see us in five years? Ten?
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Ask: What’s my biggest spiritual weakness, and how can I grow? Will you help me?
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Ask: Is there anything you’ve wanted to talk about but haven’t felt safe to say?
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End the night with prayer—together.
Let’s be couples who communicate and connect in ways that glorify God. Your marriage is not just a relationship—it’s a testimony. Keep building. Keep fighting. Keep honoring God.
And do it all His way.